And the roller coaster continues......

The week following the vacation, I went back to Dr. DeVries for a recheck on my shoulder. Pain that had gone away with the last shot, had returned. (Roller coaster going down) Dr. DeVries is very adamant (for good reasons) that we cannot remove the plate (which is causing the pain) for at least 12 months. He confirmed that my therapy has gone great. My motion has really improved, although still can’t do much with my hair. Of course, those that know me well, know that this isn’t a lot different from when I can reach it. Anyway, he decided that there really wasn’t anything to gain from therapy that I couldn’t now do on my own, so he gave me another shot in hopes it will last longer than the first and sent me to one last therapy visit to get a home plan set up. Ups and downs on this one. Very happy of improvement, but will greatly miss my physical therapist, Katie. When you are at a terrible low totally dependent on those around you, and in pain; then God sends you someone like Katie to help you rebuild, well, I got very attached to her. I’ve been through therapy before, but never with anyone like Katie. I remember one visit when I was particularly having a meltdown. Had been in a lot of pain, was still having to impose on Jessica to get me to therapy, still could do nothing around the house which was still a disaster zone from the remodel project, very depressed and pain was so bad, Katie wouldn’t even attempt the exercises. Instead, she took me in for some electrical stimulation treatment and massage to the muscles which were so tight and causing the pain. When she finished, I felt much better. As I was leaving, she said, “I just want you to know that I prayed for you while I was doing your treatment. I hope you don’t mind.” No wonder I felt better. On that day I needed the prayers much more than the therapy. That is only one small example, but gives you an idea of why saying goodbye was an emotional event for me. (Both of us were in tears) Once again, the shot worked (going up) and I was able to do exercises and start building more strength. I was finally able to hold Reed without fear of losing strength suddenly and dropping him. Could pick up Caleb and give Kaelyn those big hugs we so love. The world is looking better. But by now, the month is flying by and it’s time to face reality. I have allowed myself to be in denial of the events about to come trying to hang on to the top of that track, but the time had arrived. It was time for Michael, Jessica, and Reed to move. Talk about going into a whirlwind. On one hand I am very proud of Michael’s accomplishments with his job and certainly want him to do what is best for him and his family. And things just seem to fall right into place for them. Michael had met his new co-workers and seemed to really like them. Jessica resolved some issues around her job and actually came out better in the end. And of course they had loads of support from Chattanooga family and friends. And then there was me, poor pitiful me. I can’t explain all of the crazy thoughts and fears that have gone through my mind. Did I do something that drove them away? What do I have to offer for them to come back to? Why would they even want to come here for a visit? Will Reed even remember who I am? I didn’t get to bond with him when he was born because I had shingles and couldn’t hold him. And I truly believe the bond formed during those first few days last forever. Then there was my accident and now he was going away. My heart knows all will be okay in time, but my head just won't stop thinking these horrible thoughts. I know you are probably thinking that I am being silly and feeling sorry for myself. And there’s probably a bit of both of those things going on. But the fact is those feelings and thoughts are very real and no matter how hard I try, I just haven’t been able to shake them. So, instead of enjoying those last days and sharing their excitement, I've spent most of them in dread. I’ve survived a lot of things in my life, but it hurt so bad to give Reed that last hug goodbye on moving day. If you combine the first time Chris left the house and the day I dropped Michael off at college, (I had some major meltdowns those days too) it still wouldn’t come close. Even though I didn’t see them every day, I knew they were close enough that I could. And even though they sometimes get a bit stressful, I love those spur of the moment family dinners out. It’s times like these that I curse that “Hollis” emotional thing. And the older I get, the worse it gets. Anyway, I made it through moving day pretty well. I helped Jessica pack up the dishes; got Reed down for a short morning nap (the only one he had the whole day because he wasn’t going to miss a thing); and gathered up miscellaneous items from around the house, grouping them together for Jessica and Deborah to pack. Chris, Rodney, and Phillip all pitched in, along with Terry and Michael. All went well until that dreadful time came to say goodbye. I couldn’t seem to let Reed go, so I finally just put him in Phillip’s arms and walked out the door. I didn’t say goodbye to anyone else, (I couldn’t), Phillip had to gather up Kaelyn and Caleb because I went straight to the car in uncontrollable tears. Kaelyn consoled me in the car, she didn’t like seeing her Gramma so upset. She’s been very protective ever since the accident. Jessica’s mom has been very gracious and told us we can visit anytime we want, she has a spare room. I’m sure I will do that soon, but for now I just can’t seem to think about it.

Michael, Jessica, and Reed returned for a short overnight visit before closing. I got to spend some quality time with Reed while Jessica and Michael finished up some last minute tasks before turning the house over to the new owners. Then when they returned, we took him for a photo shoot which was lots of fun. He wouldn’t be still for anything, but he fully enjoyed being the center of everyone’s attention and we really got some good shots. A short lived high on the roller coaster. Running late, we rushed back home with just enough time for Jessica to nurse Reed and then it was that horrible time for goodbye again. It wasn’t quite as traumatic this time, but still hurt deeply. Chris, Regina, Kaelyn, and Caleb were gone on a little get-away this weekend, so there were no children, no grandchildren. We went to church and they spontaneously ended the service by singing “Jesus Loves Me” which of course, brought tears. That’s the song (along with Amazing Grace) I sing to Reed when I’m rocking him to sleep. So came the end of July and with that start August wasn’t getting off to such a great start either.

Last night, I got to see and talk to Reed via Skype and the computer. Certainly not the same, but better than not seeing him at all. I keep up with him reading Jessica’s blog where I see from the photos he is adjusting well. That makes me happy and sad. I would like to think they miss us a little bit. Then today Kaelyn and Caleb got back home with lots of hugs and kisses. Of course, Grumpy gets more than I do, but that’s okay. We may make a run to Chattanooga on Sunday for a short visit and get some hugs from Reed. Things are looking up. I’m working on my attitude. I have to accept reality and who wants to spend time with a depressed old woman. Quite honestly, I don’t like myself that way either, but it’s been very difficult to get under control. The doctor says to cut myself some slack. I’ve had a lot going on in my life this whole year. Between Phillip’s increased risk of stroke and progressing heart damage, our accident, my Dad’s dizziness and falls, many changes at work, some stressful family times and once again having to cut that umbilical cord and let my child go……he says just the trauma of the injuries I received in the accident are enough to cause major depression. And patients who suffer from chronic pain no matter how well they tolerate it, often have mood issues. He is quite surprised I haven’t had to get medication to get me through. But I hate drugs (unfortunate since I still have pain). So I’m shoving the guilt of being a crab behind me and no more apologizing for how I feel. It’s a hard time and justified or not, it’s the way I feel. Just saying that seems to help my state of mind and give me strength to move on. So keep me in your prayers (all 2 or so of you who actually read my blog) and look for more cheerful times ahead. I am a survivor and I will (with the help of my God) get through these tough times as well. But to Chris and Regina, don’t you even think about going anywhere! I really stink at letting go.

Sorry, but I don't know how to rotate the picture in the blog. But wanted to share Kaelyn's roller coaster ride. This is the first time she has ridden one that goes upside down. And this picture was before they went upside down!

The men in my life!