Coming Back

I considered abandoning this blog altogether. However, I've decided it is a part of my life. I'm very sorry for the feelings that were hurt in my "melt down" blog (including my own). I'm reminded daily of one of the consequences of being a little too open and honest, but if you could feel how much healing power there was just in writing the things I was so afraid to say, you would be happy for me and understand there was absolutely no intent to hurt anyone. I just had to get some of those crazy thoughts out of my head and somehow that just seemed the way to do it. I've seen floods of support for friends and acquaintances who are suffering from physical illness and was searching for that same type of support for the emotional and mental things I was going through. I did receive much of that. I truly believe God has answered my prayers and you will find that future post on this site will have a much better outlook on life. I'm reminded of one of my most favorite prayers, which says "God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; the courage to change the things I can; and the wisdom to know the difference." I may have been a bit stubborn, but He has finally gotten through. I'll probably only be updating this blog once a month or so, but have started an additional blog. It will contain stories I want my grandchildren to remember when I am long gone. Check it out sometime. And please make comments. It is so disappointing to see post where no one makes comments. Even if the comment says, "Your writing stinks!" God speed to you all and I pray that somehow the things I have written may just help someone else someday who is struggling through an emotional or mental crisis.

Taking a little mental health break....

I'm going to retire my blog for a while. Although I find it a great outlet for sharing (or blurting out) my feelings, I think I need to get control of some stress in my life before I send it out to the world. When your friends call and ask if you're going through menopause, then you have to step back and look at your attitude. And to that friend, no, that question didn't upset me. It was taken in the humor it was intended. For the family and friends who took the time to personally call and let me know they are here for me, I am eternally grateful. But those who personally know me also know that I do not want to be known for being a negative, crabby old woman, because that is not at all who I really am. I started to delete the previous post, but decided to make a couple of changes and let it be. I'll come back and read it occasionally just as a reminder. Phillip and I are going down to watch Michael, Jessica, Terry, and Deborah in a triathalon this weekend. Of course, we will get to see Reed, and his, Michael and Jessica's new house. Yep, they've already found one. Just need to get through all of the formalities of purchasing a house and it will soon become their home. I'll continue to read all of the blogs I've been keeping up with and hope someday folks will enjoy reading my future blog as much as I enjoy reading theirs. God bless and hopefully will be back blogging soon and getting some good positive comments again.

And the roller coaster continues......

The week following the vacation, I went back to Dr. DeVries for a recheck on my shoulder. Pain that had gone away with the last shot, had returned. (Roller coaster going down) Dr. DeVries is very adamant (for good reasons) that we cannot remove the plate (which is causing the pain) for at least 12 months. He confirmed that my therapy has gone great. My motion has really improved, although still can’t do much with my hair. Of course, those that know me well, know that this isn’t a lot different from when I can reach it. Anyway, he decided that there really wasn’t anything to gain from therapy that I couldn’t now do on my own, so he gave me another shot in hopes it will last longer than the first and sent me to one last therapy visit to get a home plan set up. Ups and downs on this one. Very happy of improvement, but will greatly miss my physical therapist, Katie. When you are at a terrible low totally dependent on those around you, and in pain; then God sends you someone like Katie to help you rebuild, well, I got very attached to her. I’ve been through therapy before, but never with anyone like Katie. I remember one visit when I was particularly having a meltdown. Had been in a lot of pain, was still having to impose on Jessica to get me to therapy, still could do nothing around the house which was still a disaster zone from the remodel project, very depressed and pain was so bad, Katie wouldn’t even attempt the exercises. Instead, she took me in for some electrical stimulation treatment and massage to the muscles which were so tight and causing the pain. When she finished, I felt much better. As I was leaving, she said, “I just want you to know that I prayed for you while I was doing your treatment. I hope you don’t mind.” No wonder I felt better. On that day I needed the prayers much more than the therapy. That is only one small example, but gives you an idea of why saying goodbye was an emotional event for me. (Both of us were in tears) Once again, the shot worked (going up) and I was able to do exercises and start building more strength. I was finally able to hold Reed without fear of losing strength suddenly and dropping him. Could pick up Caleb and give Kaelyn those big hugs we so love. The world is looking better. But by now, the month is flying by and it’s time to face reality. I have allowed myself to be in denial of the events about to come trying to hang on to the top of that track, but the time had arrived. It was time for Michael, Jessica, and Reed to move. Talk about going into a whirlwind. On one hand I am very proud of Michael’s accomplishments with his job and certainly want him to do what is best for him and his family. And things just seem to fall right into place for them. Michael had met his new co-workers and seemed to really like them. Jessica resolved some issues around her job and actually came out better in the end. And of course they had loads of support from Chattanooga family and friends. And then there was me, poor pitiful me. I can’t explain all of the crazy thoughts and fears that have gone through my mind. Did I do something that drove them away? What do I have to offer for them to come back to? Why would they even want to come here for a visit? Will Reed even remember who I am? I didn’t get to bond with him when he was born because I had shingles and couldn’t hold him. And I truly believe the bond formed during those first few days last forever. Then there was my accident and now he was going away. My heart knows all will be okay in time, but my head just won't stop thinking these horrible thoughts. I know you are probably thinking that I am being silly and feeling sorry for myself. And there’s probably a bit of both of those things going on. But the fact is those feelings and thoughts are very real and no matter how hard I try, I just haven’t been able to shake them. So, instead of enjoying those last days and sharing their excitement, I've spent most of them in dread. I’ve survived a lot of things in my life, but it hurt so bad to give Reed that last hug goodbye on moving day. If you combine the first time Chris left the house and the day I dropped Michael off at college, (I had some major meltdowns those days too) it still wouldn’t come close. Even though I didn’t see them every day, I knew they were close enough that I could. And even though they sometimes get a bit stressful, I love those spur of the moment family dinners out. It’s times like these that I curse that “Hollis” emotional thing. And the older I get, the worse it gets. Anyway, I made it through moving day pretty well. I helped Jessica pack up the dishes; got Reed down for a short morning nap (the only one he had the whole day because he wasn’t going to miss a thing); and gathered up miscellaneous items from around the house, grouping them together for Jessica and Deborah to pack. Chris, Rodney, and Phillip all pitched in, along with Terry and Michael. All went well until that dreadful time came to say goodbye. I couldn’t seem to let Reed go, so I finally just put him in Phillip’s arms and walked out the door. I didn’t say goodbye to anyone else, (I couldn’t), Phillip had to gather up Kaelyn and Caleb because I went straight to the car in uncontrollable tears. Kaelyn consoled me in the car, she didn’t like seeing her Gramma so upset. She’s been very protective ever since the accident. Jessica’s mom has been very gracious and told us we can visit anytime we want, she has a spare room. I’m sure I will do that soon, but for now I just can’t seem to think about it.

Michael, Jessica, and Reed returned for a short overnight visit before closing. I got to spend some quality time with Reed while Jessica and Michael finished up some last minute tasks before turning the house over to the new owners. Then when they returned, we took him for a photo shoot which was lots of fun. He wouldn’t be still for anything, but he fully enjoyed being the center of everyone’s attention and we really got some good shots. A short lived high on the roller coaster. Running late, we rushed back home with just enough time for Jessica to nurse Reed and then it was that horrible time for goodbye again. It wasn’t quite as traumatic this time, but still hurt deeply. Chris, Regina, Kaelyn, and Caleb were gone on a little get-away this weekend, so there were no children, no grandchildren. We went to church and they spontaneously ended the service by singing “Jesus Loves Me” which of course, brought tears. That’s the song (along with Amazing Grace) I sing to Reed when I’m rocking him to sleep. So came the end of July and with that start August wasn’t getting off to such a great start either.

Last night, I got to see and talk to Reed via Skype and the computer. Certainly not the same, but better than not seeing him at all. I keep up with him reading Jessica’s blog where I see from the photos he is adjusting well. That makes me happy and sad. I would like to think they miss us a little bit. Then today Kaelyn and Caleb got back home with lots of hugs and kisses. Of course, Grumpy gets more than I do, but that’s okay. We may make a run to Chattanooga on Sunday for a short visit and get some hugs from Reed. Things are looking up. I’m working on my attitude. I have to accept reality and who wants to spend time with a depressed old woman. Quite honestly, I don’t like myself that way either, but it’s been very difficult to get under control. The doctor says to cut myself some slack. I’ve had a lot going on in my life this whole year. Between Phillip’s increased risk of stroke and progressing heart damage, our accident, my Dad’s dizziness and falls, many changes at work, some stressful family times and once again having to cut that umbilical cord and let my child go……he says just the trauma of the injuries I received in the accident are enough to cause major depression. And patients who suffer from chronic pain no matter how well they tolerate it, often have mood issues. He is quite surprised I haven’t had to get medication to get me through. But I hate drugs (unfortunate since I still have pain). So I’m shoving the guilt of being a crab behind me and no more apologizing for how I feel. It’s a hard time and justified or not, it’s the way I feel. Just saying that seems to help my state of mind and give me strength to move on. So keep me in your prayers (all 2 or so of you who actually read my blog) and look for more cheerful times ahead. I am a survivor and I will (with the help of my God) get through these tough times as well. But to Chris and Regina, don’t you even think about going anywhere! I really stink at letting go.

Sorry, but I don't know how to rotate the picture in the blog. But wanted to share Kaelyn's roller coaster ride. This is the first time she has ridden one that goes upside down. And this picture was before they went upside down!

The men in my life!

What a ride.......

July has been an emotional roller coaster. On July 2nd, we had to leave for the airport around 7:00AM to head out on our trip west. It got quite an interesting start when I went in to zip the suitcase closed around 10:30 on the night before, and the zipper broke. Thank goodness for 24 hour Wal-Mart. Phillip and I were standing in the aisle searching for a new suitcase somewhere near midnight. Found a great set and headed home to repack everything. Oh well, who sleeps on the night before a big trip anyway. All went well with the flight. I didn’t set off the alarms with the plates in my shoulder and arm, flight was on time and a smooth landing in Denver. Going well. Then we got to the car rental. We were supposed to have a vehicle that would hold 8 adults with luggage. Well that would have worked if we sat with luggage in our lap. Two hours later, we drove out with a Toyota Sienna Van which was very comfortable for the 6 of us and held all of our luggage in the back. We could still even see out the back! So all was well (except for Dannie’s blood pressure) and we were on our way! Scenery was very nice, company was great. A short stop in Cheyenne. It was a beautiful town with the ten commandments and the beattitudes posted right in the middle of town. We headed out again and started thinking about a stopping point for the night. We decided that Torrington, WY looked like a good spot for us. We gave Tish a call and asked her to look on the net and see what they had. Much to Tish’s amusement, she happily told us there was nothing but an RV park. Once she stopped laughing, she did find a couple of possibilities. We were off to the Holiday Inn Express, which as it turned out, had just been remodeled and was very nice. Of course, this was truly in the middle of nowhere. Most everything closed down at 8:00 PM, so it was off to Pizza Hut for late night dinner. Torrington turned out to be a very nice town. A little town set in the middle of miles and miles of ranches. Folks were extremely friendly and accomodating. We went to a little market where we wished we could haul a side of beef home with us. Turns out they raise and process their own meat. It was very fresh and really looked nice. They actually took the groceries out of the cart for you, checked them, loaded them up, and carried them out. Haven’t seen that kind of service in quite some time. Yep, Torrington turned out to be a great place to stop. We loaded up and were on the road again. Next stop was Fort Laramie. We viewed a short history film and got to see through some of the old barracks and houses. It was very interesting, and gave us a real appreciation for the hard life of the Indians and early settlers. Once again, we were on the road and headed for South Dakota and Mount Rushmore. Our only planned lodging for the trip was at Mt. Rushmore. It was a great spot sitting just above (walking distance) downtown Keystone. It also provided a fantastic view of the President’s faces and the spectacular fireworks display high above their heads. Turns out we were the envy of most tourist, many of who had to hike up the mountain for several miles to see the fireworks display. The hotel service left something to be desired, but the rooms were okay and the location was great! We walked the streets of Keystone, had dinner in the Saloon, and climbed back up the hill to the hotel to enjoy the fireworks. The next morning, we took a short train ride through the Blackhills, spotted some wildlife, and learned the “Hills” earned their name from the black appearance of the massive numbers of Ponderosa pines. Then it was off for a closeup view of Mount Rushmore. Breathtaking is all I can say. The talent and precision it took to create this monument is mind boggling. The beauty and awe of the natural stone mountains God provided to create such a setting is awesome. Then it’s back in the van for a cruise through Deadwood and Sturgis, taking us to Gillette and home of the Little Big Horn Monument and Custer’s Last Stand in Montana. For someone who has never been much of a history nut, I was completely taken in by the stories and the sacred feeling of walking on the grounds where so many lives were lost on the path to change, giving us the life we enjoy today.

After an overnight stay in Gillette, next destination takes us back to WY, where we settled in for 2 nights at Cody. Cody is a rodeo town with ‘real’ cowboys and named for Buffalo Bill Cody. We visited the ghost town, Old Trail Town, where the remains of Jeremiah “liver eating” Johnston rest today. Every night except Sunday’s (you can’t kill anyone on Sunday) there is a gunfight outside the saloon in downtown Cody. Unfortunately the Saturday night gunfight was cancelled because of the big rodeo in town so we didn’t get to see or participate in the gunfight (we had great plans for a showdown between Mick and Phillip). Mick had been practicing and was ready. So instead it was a little dancing in the streets where Mick became the partner choice for one of the town ladies. After a little sing along with an artist at one of the little open restarants, we ran into friends who had moved to Cody from Clarksville. What are the chances? After a short talk with Elaine and John Wright, we finished up our evening with a great meal! In for a little rest before heading to Yellowstone Park the next morning.

Yellowstone was full of wonders. With only one day to spend in the park, we wanted to fit in everything we could. We could see the snow caps on the mountains, but despite a great attempt, we didn’t get high enough to see them. We did see spots of snow (or ice that looked like snow) along the way, but nothing outstanding. I have this strange obsession with snow. We did see lots of wildlife and had some really upclose opportunities. The park was scattered with geysers, hot springs, and mudpots. It’s quite intimidating knowing that much of the earth you are traveling is just above layers of hot lava. Signs posted warn of the boiling temperatures of the water. Like you would need a warning. The heat rising from the water was more warning than any of us needed. It is a strange site to see ‘literally’ boiling water coming right out of the ground. Our last stop in the park was “Old Faithful” and it fell right into our plans. Just as we walked up, it rose into the air, right as if it was waiting for our arrival. We had a little snack at the lodge and checked out the scenery and then it was off to Idaho Falls where we had planned to spend the night.

We found a great place in Idaho Falls, backed up to the River walk which took us right down and past the falls. It made a beautiful and relaxing evening walk (so nice that Phillip and I took another quick stroll the next morning before breakfast). Along the way we happened to encounter a reporter who was doing a segment for the evening news on tourist in town. After Melba and Dannie were asked to be interviewed, they promptly passed them on to Mick and Helen. After all a tourist from Melbourne AU is much more interesting than someone from Tennessee! So Mick became a celebrity for the night. He gave a great interview and we had to be sure we were back to the hotel in time to watch him on the late news.

Next morning we were off to Salt Lake City. The last stop on our tour, before flying home. Of course, Salt Lake City is mostly known for being the home of the Mormon Tabernacle Choir. We visited and took a tour of Temple Square. The entire addressing for downtown is centered around Temple Square. It was nice to see a town where you felt the presence of God just about anywere you went. Church may still be separated from state, but in this town, the bigger focus seems to be on Church. Lots of walking. The next morning, we took a quick drive out to “Salt Lake” and back to the airport. Although we were all tired and ready to be home, we knew there were so many things we had missed seeing. A reasonably smooth flight home, dinner with friends, and the end of a great vacation! Next group vacation……talk of Australia or Ireland. Any place will be good when with the company of close friends! Even though we are literally half way around the world from each other, we have a friendship that keeps us close. End of the first hill and valley of the roller coast ride. More to come later.